My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
