After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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