dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
