I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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