I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
