dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
