so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
