In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she pinky promised me she was 18
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
