I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
