if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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