If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
it glows. i had to have it.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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