I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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