i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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