He had one of those small greek statue penises
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
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It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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