I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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