all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
