It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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