Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
