I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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