hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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