Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
