I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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