Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
