Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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