so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
