We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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