You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize