she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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