Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
