I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
