she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
