who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
