There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
