i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
