He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
