Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
