Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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