he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize