he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
