you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
