I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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