never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
There's even glitter on my cock...
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