; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just invented taco cereal.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
