Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
