K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
