A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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