Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
