I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I am one with the molecules
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
