There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
