Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
