you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
