Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
